13 Reasons Why You Can’t Orgasm
It’s not you, it’s me.
Some facts of life are sad but true — one of those facts being that climaxing for many women isn’t easy. In fact, the Cleveland Clinic reports that a mere 10% of women can easily achieve an orgasm. The other 90% have to deal with a lot of outside factors from what position they’re in to what they might do all day at work. These factors alone may be inhibiting your ability to get off.
Orgasming for men is generally pretty straight forward, but for many of us women, it’s a whole different ball game. Every woman is built differently, and figuring out just what does and doesn’t work for you (or what factors from your daily life could be affecting you in the bedroom) can be a complicated mission. However, just because something’s difficult, doesn’t mean we should just give up hope, especially if it offers us pleasure.
If you’re one of the many women who’s struggling to climax (or a man hoping to help his woman achieve her ultimate orgasm), here are 13 surprising reasons you might not be able to orgasm:
You have high anxiety.
Anxiety can cause intrusive thoughts that may make many things in life difficult to enjoy, including sex. Furthermore, an excess of anxious thoughts can make it difficult to orgasm, says New York-City psychiatrist Grant Hilary Brenner, MD. In fact, a recent survey from Valparaiso University in Indiana showed that more than half of women who struggle to orgasm attribute the problem to anxiety. Due to the complex nature of this condition, other hangups can be heightened during sex, causing a vicious cycle of worry and frustration. “Women with a negative body image tended to also report stress and anxiety,” Dr. Brenner writes in Psychology Today. If you feel that anxiety may be playing a detrimental role in your sex life, it might be time to talk to a therapist.
There’s too much stimulation.
Yes, there is such a thing as too much. Pornography is how most of us learn about sex. It’s also hilariously ignorant of what actually feels good for women. The notion that harder and faster is equivalent to better is often the commonly held belief and it couldn’t be further from the truth. Orgasms are directly linked to women’s nervous systems and with each woman being wired differently, many require a softer approach. When in doubt, just ask.
You’re not tensing your muscles.
Who knew tension could be a necessary thing for pleasure? Women who have trouble reaching orgasm are almost always told to “just relax.” However, sex therapist Louanne Cole Weston, PhD, says that can be the wrong approach for some. “Muscle tension is often necessary for an orgasm,” Dr. Weston writes for WebMD. “In my experience, the majority of women learn to have their first orgasm by incorporating a fair amount of leg, abdominal, and buttock tension.” Weston also recommends contracting your lower pelvic muscles — the same ones you engage for kegel exercises. The more comfortable you get with this exercise, the easier it can become to do so with ease while in the moment.
You don’t have enough lubrication.
It is estimated that nearly a quarter of the women who have difficulty reaching orgasm blamed insufficient lubrication. “Lubricant makes women’s (and men’s) genitals more erotically sensitive, so it helps women have orgasms,” writes Michael Castleman, author of Great Sex. Lubes can be found both online and in drugstores.
You don’t masturbate.
I was surprised to find out the number of women who partake in regular masturbation is much lower than men (at least those who admit to regular lessons of personal play). How often you pleasure yourself can directly affect your chances of reaching orgasm when you’re with your partner. Why? Because a woman’s ability to fantasize and use her imagination during masturbation can help her unleash her creative inhibitions in bed. Not to mention, it helps her learn exactly how and where she likes to be touched. The best way of increasing your chances of sexual satisfaction is to know whether or not the direction you are giving is guiding your partner to the right place(s).
You don’t tell your partner what you want.
In addition to knowing for yourself, you must also be comfortable enough to communicate these things to your partner. You’re not a mind reader and neither is your partner. That being said, staying silent about what really turns you on isn’t going to help you climax just as the other person leaving you in the dark doesn’t exactly maximize their chances of finishing strong either. Plus, every woman is shaped slightly differently, so movements and angles that feel amazing for one person might not do it for another. The lesson here: speak up. It doesn’t even have to be communicated through clear vocabulary, but a moan or deeper breath might signal to your partner that they’re headed in the right direction.
You forgot to pee before sex.
Everyone knows to pee right after sex to help prevent a urinary tract infection, but it’s also a good idea to go beforehand too. It can be incredibly hard to reach orgasm when your bladder is full and the reason is simple: Instead of being in the moment, you’re constantly feeling the pressure to pee, and praying you don’t do it in bed. If there’s no way you’re going to make it to the end, perhaps try slipping out of bed to dim the lights, lighting a candle, and encouraging your partner to masturbate while you take a quick pee break.
You spend most of the day sitting.
Chaining yourself to that desk chair may make your boss happy, but it’s bad news for your pelvic muscles. Sitting all day shortens them, and that can lead to pelvic pain, which can ultimately lead to trouble achieving orgasm. To prevent problems, maybe try setting an alarm as a reminder to move every half-hour to an hour during the workday. Use this time to stretch your hip flexors with backbends, squats, and butterfly stretches.
You’re afraid to lose control.
When you’re taught to be in control of every aspect of your life, it can be tough to do the exact opposite in bed. However, refusing to let go could be the reason you’re unable to orgasm for the mere fact that orgasms tend to take over as they move throughout your body. If just the thought of that gives you heart palpitations, don’t freak out and take calm in knowing you don’t lose complete control over your body. At most, your body may shake and your vaginal wall muscles will contract. Reminding yourself of this while in the moment and continuing to do so as sensations start to build, can help your body to find ease in letting go throughout the process. Breathe into it and listen to your body.
You’re not making enough noise.
“Being vocal during sex has been proven to work wonders for women, as it can allow you to orgasm longer, harder, and more often,” says Laurel House, relationship expert and author of Screwing the Rules. So when something really turns you on, say it — whether it’s through a moan, quietly saying “right there,” or screaming “yes!” If that feels uncomfortable after a few tries, House suggests heightening your sensory experience. “Take in the feeling of skin-to-skin contact; enjoy the pressure of your partner’s body pressing down on yours,” she says. Embracing each of these sensations will help you tune out the world and places the focus on maximizing your experience.
Your oxytocin levels are too low.
Oxytocin (nicknamed the “feel good” or “love” hormone) goes hand-in-hand with orgasms. If your body isn’t producing enough of it, climaxing can be more difficult. Just as anxiety can counteract pleasure in bed, stress can be a major reason for low oxytocin production. Now that doesn’t mean you have to quit your job or find a new hobby, but by spending more time with your partner, looking into their eyes, holding hands, and kissing you can work to boost production of the hormone in your body and mind. Furthermore, researchers also believe that cuddling a furry friend (aka your pet) can also help to encourage oxytocin production throughout the body. (As if you needed any more reason to hug your four-legged companion)
You don’t drink enough water.
Drinking water throughout the day can prevent everyday health problems like fatigue and constipation, but it can also help you climax in the bedroom. To put a scientific spin on this reasoning, the arousal tissue that extends into the connective tissue system needs to slide and glide in order to work its ‘O-inducing magic,’ and it cannot do any of that without any fluid to encourage movement. That being said, the easiest way to ensure this happens is to be hydrated so in case you didn’t already have enough reason to down an extra glass or two, here’s a good reason to give it a shot. This is especially true when your night includes alcohol.
You wear high heels (Shocking, right?)
“Not only are sky-high heels just plain painful to walk in, but wearing them can also have deforming effects on your psoas muscles, which connect with muscles and nerves that lead to your pelvic floor, genitalia, and related organs,” says Eden Fromberg, D.O., founder of Holistic Gynecology New York. “When your psoas muscles are sticky and tense due to prolonged high heel wear, they can’t transmit the arousal message necessary for orgasm,” she explains. Avoid wearing them as much as possible and instead, opt for more practical and comfortable shoes.
As you will likely gather from this article, there are several reasons why you may have difficulty achieving orgasm in bed, but there is no reason to lose hope. Keep in mind you are not alone and there are plenty of solutions to try before declaring yourself ‘incapable’ of climax. If you have tried these suggestions and there is still no other reason and no medical diagnosis or medication in the mix that could be counteracting the process of pleasure, sex therapy can be an appropriate answer for some. Happy orgasming!
